AKA Mr. Captain Save a Hoe. This guy lives in a decent (and very messy) penthouse but with a beautiful view. From the moment I walk in he looks like he’s in awe. Keeps telling me I’m beautiful, stunning, blah blah blah. So we start talking and he’s telling me how he’s running his business, doesn’t want to settle down with anyone and is just oh so focused on his career that he doesn’t have time to date. Pretty typical so whatever. Then he goes on to saying ‘I bet you weren’t expecting someone like me. You must be pleasantly surprised ;) Not to seem cocky but I know you’re going to be the one calling me next time.’ HOLD. THE. FUCK. UP. You’re a 46 year old, atrociously hairy, out of shape man. Sure, your face isn’t completely awful but don’t get too fucking carried away. We then go on to having sex. He was eating me out for a good 10 minutes and it was so terrible I forgot to fake my moans at times. He doesn’t stop so I fake an orgasm and moved on to giving him a blow job. The entire time he’s like ‘you’re too perfect to be single. You’re too beautiful to be doing this. You deserve so much better.’ and he just keeps going on and on and on. We end up fucking and I kid you not, I can barely feel ANYTHING because he was maybe 4 inches erect and had terrible stroke game. This fool keeps saying shit like ‘wow I must be the perfect size for you, you’re so tight.’ ‘I bet you wish you could wake up to this every morning.’ ‘Do you like this?’ ‘Does it feel good?’ ‘I told you I was really good ;)’ ‘You love this don’t you’ Like fuck boy shut your mouth. He kept staring at me and wouldn’t break eye contact which makes me super uncomfortable so I tell him he should fuck me from the back because it’s my favorite position (because I can’t see your fucking face not because it was going to feel any better.) He was fucking me so slow so I clenched my vagina to make it feel tighter and tell his to fuck me faster and harder (best way to make these old fools cum) and he cums making the most bizarre noise. It sounded like an elephant/lion crying or something weird like that it honestly made me giggle. We end up laying down and talking after the terrible sex and he goes on with how I shouldn’t be doing this because I’m too perfect and there is no way I can be single. Then this fucker tells me how if I gave up escorting to be with him as a life partner I could get whatever I wanted, he would treat me like a queen and I wouldn’t have to deal with the psychological trauma and sadness from being an escort. Fuck you. First of all, aside from a few bad instances, I’m a happy hooker. Second of all, 30 minutes ago you were telling me how you’re ‘focusing on your career’ and don’t want to be in a relationship anytime soon. He keeps telling me that the amazing(LOL) sex could be mine everyday and that I’ll be asking for more so I might as well stop working to be with him (crazy crazy…) Then he pulls the move of the evening. He says ‘I always use condoms, never fucked without one. Only time I’d have sex without one is if I was going to have a kid. If you’d tell me you wanted a baby right now the condom would be off within seconds. Do you eventually want kids?’ WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!??! So at this point I’m like this guys is crazy and lonely. He’s only known me for 40 minutes and he’s already asking me to be with him and have his fucking kid?! Like what if I had some kind of disease, what if I was some psycho bitch, what if I was some terrible person? You don’t know me. You know the manufactured version of me. I don’t complain, I agree with everything you say, I fuck like a porn star and fake orgasms so that you feel like you’re doing a great job (not because you’re actually good, because you totally suck,) I pretend to like you but inside I want to punch you in the face for being irritating as fuck. Do these men seriously think that they’re some god sent client because they’re decent looking and compliment us like crazy?! Like most of my clients are pretty decent looking guys, I’m not fucking some scary looking guy every time I walk through the door. Every single client tells me I’m beautiful. Nearly every client plays the ‘you’re too good for this’ card. My pussy is only as freakishly tight as it is because I’m not aroused. These idiots think they’re sooooo special. He tells me how we should go ‘out on the town’ together for dinners and dates (he wasn’t planning on compensating me for them LMAO) then says ‘I bet you don’t get to cum like that often. How many times did I make you cum? You probably lost count. If you’re ever horny you know who to call ;)’ Fuck you dude. You made me cum 0 times. I faked an orgasm about 4 times. I’m now lying on your chest covered in your nasty sweat coming from your chest hair waiting until the last song on my playlist ends. I won’t be calling you ever because this is my JOB. If I wanted a good lay I’d call my FWB- not some old wrinkly dude that’s out of shape and thinks he’s incredibly hot for whatever reason. Why does this dumbass assume I don’t get any action aside outside of work? I swear some of these guys are so delusional it blows my mind. He was so convinced that I somehow magically fell in love with him because of his ‘magical’ sexual abilities. Time to take a one way train out of crazy town.
I deal with guys like this because it’s work and I’m used to this craziness. I can only imagine how they scare girls away in everyday life by pulling this type of shit. I kind of feel bad for him because he’s nearly 50, has never been married and desperately wanted a family but to be honest it’s not going to happen if he’s going to be the way he is. I’m now home drying off after my 2nd shower because I swear I could still smell his nasty sweat on my after the first one. I can’t help but laugh at situations like these. I get some very unstable clients and love getting to know their secrets. It’s incredible how the very confident business man you see walking down the street can secretly be the most emotionally messed up people on the inside. I feel like a therapist 90% of the time and find it so amusing. Anyways, thought I would share because I was just so irritated. There are far too many ‘Captain Save a Hoe’ types and they all need to settle the fuck down. Sticking to my regulars for the time being lol